Gay Filet With Freedom Fries

It may come as a bit of a surprise, but I am not a saint.  The greatest title that I could possibly allow is “prophet,” but even that is a bit of a stretch, but a wonderful opening line at cocktail parties and bar mitzvahs, (the Jews eat it up!)  But I have to admit, and give myself a pat on the back, that I have refrained from indulging myself in societal taboos or religious sins.  Believe it or not, I have yet to have an abortion.  I have never been involved in drugs, illegal or otherwise.  And perhaps the greatest of shocks, I am not a homosexual, nor ever plan to be. 

But if I wanted to partake in any of these activities, I believe I should have the right.

(Allow me to quickly say something about a labeling epidemic that I have become a victim of.  I hear it quite frequently – more often from females – that I seem like a guy that “could be gay.”  I don’t necessarily take this as an insult, but I’d like to point out that I am, for lack of a better word, disgusting.  Despite the fact that I wear collared shirts nearly every day and involve myself in the arts, I also am a chauvinistic mess of filth and fantasy, the likes of which have only been seen in single-digit centuries.  To be strikingly to the point, the average human being would find much of my behavior more disgusting then the thought of slug-on-slug  blue-collar sodomy.  You dig?)

But to get back to the point, for the safety of all involved, I have a quite serious point to make.  Recently, a firestorm of chattering has come up over the topic of gay marriage – and rightfully so.  In the eyes of organized religion, homosexuality is one of the most cardinal sins, and the basis for more anger and faith-based frustration than perhaps any other area.  And the arguments can be made that religion must be separated from government, (boring,) or that there are plenty of other sins, perhaps more private sins, that don’t receive the kind of attention that same-sex partnerships do.  Did you know that 90% of men and nearly 65% of women masturbate on a regular basis?  Last time I checked, this is fairly looked down upon in the eyes of churches across the globe.  A tremendous waste of possible procreation to boot.  Yes, I’m talking about scattered semen residue in the middle of a potentially poignant article about personal rights, but who’s keeping track?  Certainly not the Catholic Church, pro-family organizations, nor Newt Gingrich.  That’s for sure. 

And in the past I have apologized for length, but I won’t do that any longer.  I’ve read arguments from every end of the spectrum and from people that honestly don’t know a thing other than the fact that male and female genitalia aren’t designed as they are out of pure coincidence.  Which is another argument all together: my Wrangler isn’t designed to take sharp corners at breakneck speeds or drive through 3 feet of standing water, but I do so because I can.  We’re a very independent species, human beings.  We challenge the limitations of our existence.  It’s kind of cute, really.

Which brings me to the larger point that I am desperately trying to make.  I believe that we are presented with choices every day, the option to do this or that, perhaps even right or wrong, and when to it comes to matters that directly affect only your own life, (or matters such as abortion that are a direct correlation of your life,) you should have the option to do what you want.  You will be the one suffering the ultimate consequences – whether mental, physical, or otherwise – and there is no need to insist people follow any direct routes.  This obviously doesn’t apply to certain things such as rape or murder, but instances of abortion, (not quite murder,) drug use, or gay relations are all matters of choice that seem to fit my theory quite nicely. 

And when it comes to this topic of gay marriage, I don’t understand the outcry.  With abortion or even drugs, there are larger forces at work.  The idea of a mother killing a potential human being is, in my eyes, a matter of perspective.  With drugs, there are underlying factors of gang violence and even circumstances that arise from long-term use, (ailing children, violence, and so on.)  But aside from the fact that God seems to wag his finger at the idea of sexual plugs that don’t seem to fit, there really is no major argument to suggest that homosexuality is a threat.  “It’s a threat to the American family!”  Why?  Has your husband been waiting to ditch you and the kids for his accountant Rico? 

Unless, of course, God will smite our entire globe for the allowance of gay marriage – (as opposed to PRACTICE of homosexuality, which has been practiced since the beginning of time,) leaving us a post-apocalyptic world of ash and stone all for the sake of a few incorrectly bumped uglies.  Shame on you gay America – your selfish practices have cost us all. 

Speaking of costs, you’d think that there could be some practical economic argument to make over the idea of gay marriage.  Something that Mitch McConnell or the Evangelical movement could really sink their teeth into.  “The gays are costing us millions!”  But economists are suggesting that the allowance of gay marriage, in just the handful of states that have overturned bans, could generate a new $32 Billion in wedding related fees alone.  That’s a lot of cash, friends, and a lot of cash that looks pretty enticing in the middle of an economic crisis such as ours.  But when I suggested this to my right-wing road-sign changing cohort at the Roads Department, he told me he would rather pay, “triple the taxes” than to allow the homosexuals to receive some kind of governmental recognition.  Go figure.

I guess I just don’t understand the basis for all the hooplah.  There is very little evidence to suggest that homosexual marriage will effect the typical Nascar fan at all, unless they themselves decide to hitch with a fellow dangler.  (I hear Jeff Gordon is single.)  The only argument I’ve heard involves the dangers to the existence of the American family, but as Jon Stewart suggested on a show earlier this week, is the real danger the idea that dudes can just hook up now, for legal purposes, and no longer have to deal with nagging wives or menstruation cycles ever again?  Or perhaps a whole collective of “Chuck and Larry’s” just looking to milk the system?  Is this really a consideration?

And to bring it back to a political standpoint, (which is always the best way to approach such matters,) it seems like a strange philosophical stand for the Republican Party.  Putting the influence of the religious Right aside, (and the fact that most homosexual scandals, with the exception of Barney Frank, tend to come from the GOP’s side of the aisle,) the idea of gay marriage seems to fit in with a distinct part of their message: less government.  But this would include privacy, which doesn’t apply to the Republican Party at all, considering the topic of abortion as well.  (Abortion is a privacy issue, not one of life.)  And even the Libertarians, (Ron Paul from the past,) seem to shy away from supporting such a measure, which agreeing that the War on Drugs is lost and that Americans need to be left alone.  Hell, even the Democrats shy away from the issue.  Obama does not support gay marriage specifically, in an elaborate plot to keep with mainstream America on issues that will never cross his desk.  I told you he was smart.

But the message I present remains simple: So you don’t agree with gay marriage?  Then don’t do it.  Don’t agree with drug use?  More power to you.  Abortion isn’t your style?  Enjoy your little booger eaters.  Is it really enough to justify killing an abortion doctor?  Or to drag a teenage kid 5 miles down a gravel road behind an old Chevy truck?  I don’t tend to think so, but I’ve been known to be wrong.  I have the great belief that God’s greatest creation, should there be an Almighty in the skies above us, is the amazing idea of free will.  When asked the meaning of life, most devout Christians will say the answer is to serve and praise God above.  And my only complaint about such logic is if God is so concerned with adoration, then why were we given the option to go astray?  If the Lord never wanted abortions to be done, then why isn’t the womb an impenetrable steel trap?  And why did he give us so many damn holes to stick things in?  It almost seems like some sick kind of encouragement that, to be honest, I want nothing to do with. 

Perhaps it’s all a trap.

But I wanted to take a shot at my own little perception of the argument over gay marriage, having seen efforts from other well meaning writers.  I suppose there’s no right or wrong, and as my mother said to me earlier this morning, “morality comes from conscience.”  It’s just another matter of perceptive free will.  The idea of morals is a topic for another day, but the taste should serve this piece quite well – who is to say what is right?  God it often seems, but he also sends mixed messages.  “Peace and love, blah blah blah – DAMNATION.”  It’s confusing for a young thinker such as myself.  So my answer, as always, is simple: Do what you want to do.  Think what you want to think.  And challenge the system if necessary.  Drugs, babies, and sexual agendas all fall into my realm of moral ambiguity, so follow your heart, little dreamers.  And who knows – you might get it right.