Childhood Hero Hopes to Lasso the Governorship

Quick to Draw, but Slow to Attack

Alex Denison – PhD in Satire
4:22 P.M. October 30,2008

SANTE FE – America has seen it’s fair share of celebrity politicians in recent years.  Entertainer Sonny Bono served as a Congressman until his death in 1998.   Actors and athletes Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura have both served as Governors.  And the much revered Republican President Ronald Reagan was an actor before his leap to the political arena.  Another familiar face sets his sights at the governorship of the state of New Mexico. 
            Former sheriff and Saturday morning personality William Joseph McGraw, better known as “Quick Draw” McGraw, has thrown his hat into the ring for the Republican nomination in the 2010 election.  Citing his tenure as Silverpan County Sheriff as adequate executive experience, McGraw says the state of New Mexico needs a conservative leader who knows “how to do the thinkin’ ‘round har.” 
            McGraw is well known for his support of gun ownership, as well as his tested preservation of law and order, and the crusade against government corruption.  Though he has rarely used his pistols in the past, usually opting for a six-string acoustic guitar, he maintains it is every American’s right, if not duty, to own a firearm.  In 1996, he revealed his identity as the masked vigilante “El Kabong,” to the great surprise of an entire nation.  He has since retired the persona.
            Party leaders may find themselves split between the homespun aura of McGraw and his primary opponent, fellow Republican Marvin “Martian” Martiani.  McGraw lacks the foreign, as well as intergalactic, policy experience that Martiani wields, but supporters claim his stances on social issues and support for increased morality in public service are far more valuable assets for office.  His ability to connect with Hispanic voters, such as his long time friend Baba Looey, could be a tremendous help in garnering the necessary votes to get the nomination, and eventually the governorship.
            Lone Democratic opponent Thomas “Captain Planet” Chandler,  has already begun his campaign against McGraw, at one point even claiming that the candidate had hired illegal immigrants in his Sheriff’s office.  “Has anyone looked up the papers on this Baba Looey,” the Captain asks.  Further information on the records of Looey, as well as his wherabouts, are yet to be found.  Chandler hopes to exploit McGraw’s weaknesses in environmentalism and bouts of verbal ignorance, while McGraw is quick to point out the Captain is allergic to pollution and smog, making him virtually incapable of maintaining office. 
            The first Republican debate between Martiani and McGraw is yet to be determined, although McGraw has quickly become the favorite.  When asked if he is ready to battle the recent surge of Democratic support and the strong stances of “Captain Planet”, McGraw commented, “Hold on thar!  We got’s to take this one step adda time, and don’t you forget e-it!”

You Could See the Dawn is Coming if the Smog Weren’t So Thick

“What’s a misanthrope, Arthur? “
“A misanthrope is one who hates humanity. “
“Is that what we are, misanthropes? “
“Good lord no. We’re a family. “

-The Proposition

Well, I guess I’m not part of the family.

         Less than one week until election day, comrades.  One week until you sell your soul to the candidate of your choice. Are you ready to be called a lefty nut-job?  Are you prepared to be a right-wing stiff?  Are you ready to take part in the sick shit that has been going on for over two hundred years, take no prisoner, political warfare?  Voter machine guns.  Home ballot hand grenades.  John McCain biting the head off of a small Vietnamese child, and asking why Obama would never do the same? Barack Obama telling us he can shit rainbows, and then implying the miracle that McCain can defecate at all?  These are the real battles in the trenches.  The hellish trenches we call America.
        
Fighting for the elderly Jewish voter: Florida, U.S.A.  Who supports Israel more?  And who would be willing to kill a Palestinian to show it?  More importantly, what would they use?  John waves around a Colt-45.  Obama would probably sneak up on the bastard, like a coward.  Or would he whimper away like a Boy Scout?  John McCain has roasted a Boy Scout over a fire before – four times to be exact – and he says they taste like fear.  Is that what you want to vote for?  Fear?
        
Fighting for the working class white man: Pennsylvania, U.S.A. Will they be able to put race aside?  Sure – as long as it wasn’t this pinko commie negro.  But at the same time, McCain rots a little bit more every day he sees the sun, and the last thing we need is some vagina with legs sitting behind the desk of the oval office.  She should be underneath that desk, giving her special brand of lip service to a “morally superior” white fella with a wife that’s too scared to speak in public. Ain’t that America?  You’re damn right it is. 
        
Fighting for the Hilary scraps: Ohio, U.S.A. Pick your partisan poison: do you concede to the bastard that knocked her out and grabbed that grinning loud mouth for a running mate, or do you give up all of your moral imperatives and political preferences to cling to your gender?  Which ad will get you? “We will protect your rights as a woman,” or “Hey! We’s both got lady-parts!”  Don’t worry too much. It’s not as though the decision will determine for the rest of society whether you have anything but mush behind your pretty, botoxed foreheads.  Just close your eyes and point.

And Cynthia McKinney thinks she’s going to get votes for the Green Party.  Black and a woman?  She might as well be Palin’s youngest child in this election…

I cast my absentee vote two weeks ago and already regret not making a statement.  Brian Moore ’08!  Roger Calero for Prez!  Or my dream ticket, Biden/Nader.  All I’m asking of you is to inform yourself a little bit. 

But with the way this election is going, I’m just happy you can read at all…

Red Bear.
Blue Bear.