The entire three hours that I’ve been awake today have been dedicated to one thing: Reading the complete library of one-minute speeches from former Congressman James Traficant.
That may seem like the most boring thing you’ve ever heard, but I assure you, that it is quite the opposite. Because James Traficant was not your average politician. He wore a disgustingly tacky wig. He sported denim suits. He liked to finish his speeches with “Beam me up!” And he was only the 5th member of the House of Representatives to be kicked out – ever. Some would say that the reason is simple: he took money in bribes, he bribed other people, he forced his aides to do chores for him on the weekends like maintain his houseboat, etc. But I think the reason is because he had no friends. Only one person voted to keep him in the House – Gary Condit, who would later become famous for having an affair with Chandra Levy and becoming the lead suspect for her murder. (He didn’t do it. Doesn’t matter. 9/11 came around and everyone forgot all about it. Anyway.) It seems no one liked James Traficant.
Except his constituents. While serving a seven year sentence for the previously mentioned crimes, he ran for Congress again, becoming the first person to ever run for public office while in prison. Did he win? Fuck no. Don’t be stupid. But he still got 15% of the vote, which is absolutely ridiculous. And awesome.

Did I know any of this before 7 P.M.? No. But it just so happens that he was released from prison a couple days ago, and to be absolutely honest, I’m stoked. If I had a collection of U.S. Politician trading cards, his would be the one that I would put in the really expensive plastic sleeve. Back to the shoebox for you, Biden.
And because I am in such a chipper political mood, I thought I would share a couple of his nuggets with you. These are just the tip of the iceberg, might I add, because he gave a one-minute speech EVERY DAY, giving C-Span the best ratings they’ve ever had. I don’t even know where to begin, but I’ll just throw in two or three that are sitting in front of me. I might print them all out and paste them around the room. You know…for America.
COINCIDENCE
October 8, 1997
- “Mr. Speaker, Patricia Mendoza heckled the President; she got audited. Kent Brown sued the First Lady; he got audited. The National Center for Public Policy criticized the White House; they got audited. Billy Dale got the White House mad; he got audited. Paula Jones refused a cash settlement; she got audited.
If that is not enough to tax your disgust, Shelly Davis, the author of Unbridled Power, who testified about IRS abuses before the Senate, got a notice in the mail yesterday; she is being audited.
Unbelievable. After all this, an IRS spokesman said, coincidence, all coincidence. I say, Mr. Speaker, the IRS has turned into a bunch of political prostitutes.
I want to apologize to all the hookers in America for having associated them with the IRS. I say beam me up, dot com, coincidence this.”
BORIS YELTSIN NEEDS COUNSELING, NOT MONITORING
March 24, 1998 –
”Mr. Speaker, in 1993, Boris Yeltsin fell off a stage in Germany. In 1994, Boris could not get off his plane in Ireland. In 1996, Boris came up missing for 7 consecutive days, unexplained, before an election. In 1997, he forgot about a meeting with Vice President Al Gore. Yesterday, he fired his entire cabinet. The White House says they are monitoring it.
Mr. Speaker, is Boris Yeltsin a victim of El Nino, too? Let us tell it like it is. This guy is not exactly the head of Kiwanis International. Boris Yeltsin has his shaky little finger on the button of one of the world’s most massive nuclear arsenals.
I say monitor this, Boris Yeltsin does not need monitors. Boris Yeltsin needs Alcoholics Anonymous. I say let us save our foreign aid and let us send some counselors over to take care of this guy. I yield back 1 day at a time the balance my time.”
$13,000 TOILETS BUILT BY PARK SERVICE
October 22, 1997
- “Mr. Speaker, the U.S. Park Service built a $500,000 outhouse. That is right. This Taj Mahal has a slate roof, a porch, and a cobblestone foundation. The paint cost $80 a gallon. The wildflower seed was $720 a pound.
Unbelievable. To boot, it is earthquake proof, able to withstand the shock of 6.5 on the Richter, either from without or within.
Mr. Speaker, if that is not enough to warm your globe, there is no running water and the special high-technology self-composting toilets cost $13,000 each. The Park Service said, `We tried to cut costs desperately.’
Mr. Speaker, I have a suggestion. Why do they not cut those $13,000 toilets in half to better accommodate all those half-assed bureaucrats at the U.S. Park Service?”
I really hope you read this. That’s all I can say.
(9.5.09)